Farts are funny. That’s a fact.
They’re particularly funny when you’re the one responsible for introducing the fart to the atmosphere (unless of course it was an accidental fart at an inopportune moment, such as in a lift or a board meeting).
So this year, why not give the gift of guff?
The aptly named, Farts Direct, deliver jars of fart to a person of your choosing. All you have to do is choose a scent and choose a person.
If you’re feeling festive, you can choose between ‘Sprout Stench’ or ‘Stuffing Shart’. Alternatively, you can go classic with ‘Hanging Out Of Your Arse’, ‘Curry Napalm’ or ‘Love Puff’.
They even do Brexit themed fart jars for that Brexiteer/Remainer wanker mate of yours: ‘Better Out Than In’ or ‘Stay Still In Case It Slips’.
The Stuffing Shart looking rather appetising here. Credit: Farts Direct
In case you’re still on the fence about the gift, let this little message on the Farts Direct website convince you: “Imagine the look on their face when they realise they just inhaled an invisible turd. And once they’ve breathed in the surprise stench, you’re done. It’s the perfect way to tell someone how you truly feel without ever having to say a word.”
A jar of smelly arse talk will cost you £9.99 ($12.72). The farts come in an airtight lid and contain a parchment with a personalised message, or alternatively you can send it anonymously. The jar will also be full to the brim with fart.
Martin Grix, CEO of Farts Direct, said: “We need to let the stigma surrounding farts go, by letting one go. It’s important to share the guff – especially at Christmas time.”
Ultimately though, while Mr Grix’s point may be valid, the gift is an indulgent and lazy one. You can almost here the old fashioned Christmas traditionalists complaining already: “Back in my day people used to fill jars with farts themselves. It was a personalised gift you know, made with love and care, and it was a lot cheaper too.
“We’d even send our own Yule logs if we were feeling particularly generous.”
Therefore it goes without saying that if you’re going to fork out for someone else to do the bum clapping for you, then you want to know that what you’re getting is legit air shit.
On the Farts Direct website, the product is described as being ‘as close to real as a fart in a jar can get‘. However, they don’t disclose how exactly the fart is made, claiming it is a ‘top secret method’.
The choice is yours then: either trust in the potency of their secret methodology, or do it the old fashioned way.
Featured Image Credit: Farts Direct